The Blog of David

He's a Little Guy

2010-01-08T10:26:00.000-08:00

So now that I'm no longer restricted from accessing blogspot at work maybe I can start posting stuff again.

So, I have a buddy that I worked with back in my RxAmerica days and we were both lucky enough to land jobs at Vangent as well. Curt has a 3 year old daugher named Emma whom I have never met but have heard several stories about and she sounds like a very cute and funny girl. So apparently Curt talks about me at home often enough that Emma has realized daddy has a friend named Kendall (at work I go by Kendall).

So, one day a while back Emma asked Curt, "Daddy is Kendall a little guy or a big guy?". Curt, apparently comparing me to himself, replied that Kendall is a little guy. So I'm told that every time little Emma heard my name from that point on she would say, "Yeah, Kendall he's a Little Guy!". She prided in telling everyone that daddy has a friend named Kendall and he's a Little Guy. Curt told me about every time she did this and I always found it to be too funny.

So, not long ago Emma was talking to her friend and mentioned that daddy has a friend named Kendall and he's a Little Guy. Then, after whatever her friend said, Emma goes, "No you don't understand, he's really tiny!". When Curt told me about this we decided the best course of action would be to get Emma to draw a picture of daddy and Kendall to see just how little she thinks Kendall really is.

So here you go.

Yeah, I'm a Little Guy.

Swamped

2009-09-24T15:41:00.000-07:00

Recently work has been absolutely excruciating. I have been working on the same project for the past few weeks, nonstop. This includes all of this week so far, and at this rate I will be working on this project for the remainder of my last month here at this job. Unfortunately, I have to work on this project all by myself, no one can help me. My co-workers are busy with similar projects of their own, forcing me to go solo. I start on the project as soon as I clock in, work on it all day long, and after 8 very long and droning hours I stop to clock out and go home, knowing full well that the next day will not be any different. The project is titled Doing Nothing.

That's right, ever since 90% of the staff that worked in my building was laid off at the beginning of September, there's not much for me to do anymore. At the beginning of the month all the agents, team leads, most of the managers, and a handful of others were let go, leaving me and few others to soldier on in this big and empty building. Most of my work was transitioned to Caremark just prior to the mass departure of all those employees, leaving me without a shred of responsibility. Being an hourly employee, my work day mainly consists of clocking in and clocking out each day, with an 8 hour gap in between the two.

Fear of someone from work reading this deters me from divulging what I actually do do at work all day. Rest assured, I'm not doing anything illegal or detrimental to the company. But, from an outsider's point of view I'm sure my activities would look extremely unproductive. Do I feel guilty about that? No. I mean, what do they expect me to do? Sit and stare at my Outlook for 8 hours? Since I have nothing productive to do my only option is to do something unproductive.

Now, if I were to tell you what I do here at work, you'd probably be jealous and think it's cool that I get to do that at work and get paid for it all the same. Don't be. I'm sure we all have things we like to do and I'm also equally sure that we would lose interest in those things after a few hours, let alone 8. Trust me, I know. To get through the day I normally need to find four or five things that I enjoy doing and keep moving from one to the next every hour and a half or so until it's time to clock out and go home. One day down, twenty six more to go.

For those who are interested you'll be happy to hear that I have found a new job. I will doing the same type of work I am doing now (or was doing, whatever) and I was lucky enough to be offered a salary a decent amount higher than what I'm making now. So despite all the bitterness this story in fact does have a happy ending. Feel free to contact me if you'd like to know more about my new job. I start November 2nd, which I'm excited about. But I don't think I have to tell you that November seems very, very far away...

"We strive to improve the quality of human life"

2009-07-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

That is the Vision of CVS Caremark, the colossal mega corporation of pharmacies and prescription benefits management (http://www.cvscaremark.com/our-company/our-culture/vision-mission-values ).

Apparently they feel the best way to improve the quality of my life, as well as nearly 200 of my colleagues, is to eliminate our jobs.

You may remember when I announced that my company's parent company (Long's Drugs) was bought out last August by CVS Caremark and the uneasy feeling it gave me. I have to tell you, for a while there I was actually quite impressed with CVS Caremark. For a while I truly believed that Salt Lake City would be a great addition to their existing cluster of call centers specked across the United States.

Utah is not a stranger to call centers, and there's a reason. Utah does not have tornadoes, devastating earthquakes, hurricanes, and of course, volcanoes. We do have snow, but as long as we can still tell where the roads are, we go to work. So it goes without saying that Utah is an ideal location for call centers since 99.9% of uptime is a must for that industry.

The point I'm getting at is that a call center in Utah could have been a great asset for CVS Caremark and they certainly could have stayed a very profitable business without needing to put 200 or so people out of jobs. Sadly, that small percentage increase of profit margin is worth more than the lives of 200 people. I imagine that the increase is small because CVS Carmark literally has hundreds of thousands of employees, and laying off 200 is taking a drop out of the bucket. For that, I have lost all respect for CVS Caremark. Shame on them for making me believe for one second that they cared more about improving quality of life than making a buck. Maybe I'm alone in this thought, but if I ran a business that was already making millions of dollars a year in profit I would seek out the best solution that wouldn't require anyone to lose their jobs in this situation.

So that's it. I have until the end of October. Wish me luck.

Cruise - Day 7

2009-06-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, day 7, our last full day on the ship and we were at sea the entire day. Firstly I have to go back to day 6 because a lot of the goings on stem from what happened the day before. On day 6, around 11:00 AM we realized that we were out of clean clothes, specifically our undergarments. On our last cruise you had the option to pay for your clothes to be laundered or you could use the ship's public laundry areas to do it yourself. After setting out to do our laundry we found, to our dismay, that NCL did not offer public laundry. So, we had no choice but to pay them to do our laundry. The charges depended on what type of clothing and how many of that article of clothing you wanted laundered, so we decided to just get our garments cleaned (we were very reluctant to do this, as most LDS people can understand) to keep the cost as low as possible.

Now, when I talked to the front desk asking about public laundry I was told they could have our laundry done by 6 PM that day. This was good because we were literally wearing our last clean pairs. When I started filling out the form I noticed that there were 2 services offered: Regular (collected before 9 AM and returned before 6 PM the next evening) and Express (collected before 9 AM and return before 6 PM that night). The Express charge was an extra 50% of the total. I wasn't happy about this, but again we were forced to go with it.

So, 6 PM that night rolled around and nothing was delivered. I wasn't too upset at this point, all I cared about was that we had them before the next morning. Well, when we woke up the next morning we still didn't have our laundry. I figured since our laundry wasn't collected before 9 AM the previous day that our "express" service would have our laundry here by 6 PM the current day. Lame.

So we put off showering and got some breakfast but after that we decided to go ahead and shower and wear robes until our laundry arrived. Well, luckily for us all we had planned to do that afternoon was watch movies. We were planning on seeing Kung Fu Panda in the cinema (btw the ship had a movie channel that played on our little room TV's and they also broadcast that channel in the cinema) but the cinema had a towel folding demo going on at that time so we would've had to watch the movie in our stateroom anyway.

So anyway, long story short we had to wait until 6 PM to have our laundry delivered so we could get dressed. When I checked our room charges later on I saw that they didn't charge us the express fee, which kinda made me feel better.

Ok, so the big show of the day in the theater was called Cirque Pacific. It was performed by the same singer/dancer team that did the other shows but they were also joined by the China Stars Acrobat Team. Again, the singer/dancers were ok, and the China Starts were absolutely amazing. If I saw the stuff they were doing on TV I would scream FAKE/Special FX! but when they were doing it in front of my very eyes all I could do was gawk and awe. At the end of the show they brought up what seemed like half of the entire crew from each of the different departments on the ship and gave a grand farewell since the cruise was coming to an end. I'll admit that this sudden realization of the end of my vacation stung a bit.

Now, as you recall a few nights ago we saw a group called Second City which did short skits and improv routines. They actually had other performances after that but they were 100% improv so weren't inclined to go seem them. However, they did have one more performance that night that was advertised as "adults only" and do not attend if you are offended by suggestive humor. We decided we didn't want to miss this one. So, it was basically another improv show but the actors could say whatever they wanted. And they did. At the end of the day though, it was still improv which in my opinion is hit or miss. But there were still a few moments when I laughed pretty hard. It was just kinda awkward since, up until that point, all the entertainment we had seen was pretty family-friendly. Also, oftentimes it seemed like they would throw some extreme profanity in there just because they could.

Well, that's about it. After we got back from the show we packed our bags and placed them outside our room for pickup. The next morning we got a quick buffet breakfast and waited in our room until it was our turn to disembark. We took a shuttle to the airport, had some Panda-style Chinese food from the terminal food court, took a plane home and our vacation was officially over :(

So, who's coming with us in 2 years???

Cruise - Day 6 (Prince Rupert)

2009-05-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

Day six was Thursday, May 7th. We had a lot of time on the boat this day because we didn't arrive at Prince Rupert until about 4:oo PM. The first activity was a behind the scenes presentation of our cruise ship, the Norwegian Star. Unfortunately we were kinda lazy that morning and were late to the presentation and had to stand in the back of the lounge. It was pretty interesting, the cruise director shared with us a lot of pictures and stories of the ship and how it was made and what it takes to make an entire cruise happen.

Next was NCL's version of the Weakest Link, also called the Weakest Link. It was lame, mostly because the host sucked. There were two people from the entertainment staff that we saw quite frequently, the Cruise Director Paul and the Assistant Cruise Director, Gary. Paul was cool, he had had a lot of charisma and was very witty and brought a lot to the table in everything he was in. Gary... did not have that much charisma and struggled a lot every time he had to read something. So, unfortunately Gary was hosting the Weakest Link, and it was to get into the show when he was struggling to get through every question. He was reading a golf question and said "misshit" instead of "miss hit". His excuse was that there was no space in between the words on his paper. I'm not an avid golfer but I'm pretty sure "misshit" isn't a golf term. Whatever, a lady from Utah won the show so that was cool.

So later on we went ashore when we got to Prince Rupert, British Columbia. This was the coolest stop, even though I'd never heard of it before. This was actually a real town and not a tourist town. There were real residents walking the street. So Cassie and I just walked around town and saw the sights. There weren't very many traffic lights at all, and I guess the law is that you yield to pedestrians because traffic would stop if anyone looked like they were trying to cross the street at a corner. Needless to say, we were a little hesitant crossing the street since we are used to the douchebag drivers back in the good ol' U.S. of A.

The people of Prince Rupert were actually pretty nice as well, for the most part. Oftentimes people would recognize you as a tourist and ask where you were from and all that and be all friendly. There was this one extremely intoxicated guy that tried to ask me for some money so he could by cigarettes. He had a friend with him too that just sat back and laughed. I said I didn't have any cash or cigarettes and we got outta there. It wasn't that scare though, it was broad daylight and there were people around. The guy was just dumb.

Anyway, we were in Prince Rupert for a few hours but I don't really have much to write about because we just walked around and saw what there was to see.

Back on the ship we went to the nightly big show which was a ventriloquist this time. He only had one puppet, which was a Jamaican woman. The guy was actually pretty talented, and his comedy was pretty good. I hardly saw his lips move so I had to give him props for that, but still ventriloquism doesn't appeal to me that much.

That does it for day six.

Cruise - Day 5 (Skagway)

2009-05-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

Before I get into day five I have to go over something that happened at the end of day four that I didn't mention in the last blog. At the end of day four we saw Karaoke Idol (yes, NCL's version of American Idol). The way it worked is that everyone who wanted to participate submitted their name and three names were chosen. Those people would perform karaoke of the song of their choice and then, after each had performed their songs, they would perform a random song. The contestants were also provided wardrobe for their second song. The Entertainment Staff also provided stand ins for Randy, Paula, and Simon. They played their roles very well, especially the girl playing Paula. The funniest thing that happened was this old guy who performed a country song was forced to sing the song Material Girl by Madonna. They gave him a blonde wig and a hot pink jacket, and he hiked his jeans up to his knees for the full effect. He "sang" the song as best he could and danced as best he could and it was nothing short of hilarious.

Ok, so day five was in Skagway, the northernmost city of Alaska that we visited. Like Ketchikan, Skagway is only accessible by boat or plane. Skagway was originally founded during the Klondike Gold Rush. There were two trails that early gold enthusiasts took back in the day, and we took a train ride that followed one of those trails: the White Pass. So, everyone wanted to know which side of the train to sit on to see the most. They told us once we get to the summit the engine will be moved to the other end and we would go in reverse and everyone would switch to the other side of the train so everyone would get to see everything. Well, everything was on the other side of us going up... So we still got to see everything when we went back down, but since this was our second time hearing the background stories the spots of interest kind of lost their luster. Also the ride was about 3 hours long and we had trouble staying awake after a while.

After the train ride we walked around Skagway for a bit. We went to the Tourist Center and watched a video about the history of Skagway, which was pretty entertaining I thought. Someones phone rang right behind us during the movie, and if that wasn't annoying enough the stupid lady answered and took the phone call in her seat! Grr, I was so pissed. I wanted to turn around and punch them in the throat but I'm glad I didn't cuz I got a look at her after the movie and she was like 70 years old.

After that we decided to get food on land for a change and went to a Pizza/Italian/Mexican restaurant. I got a pepperoni and sausage pizza (no sauce of course) and Cassie got cheese enchiladas. The place was kind of expensive but the food was way good. I wanted to save some pizza for later but not having any way to refrigerate it forced me to eat the whole thing (this is because of a story I forgot to include in the day 2 blog. Long story short, I asked our room steward to remove all of the alcoholic honor bar items in our refrigerator, he misunderstood me and removed the entire refrigerator).

After that we did some shopping and went back to the ship. There were two shows going on in the theater today. I mean, two different shows instead of the same show with two show times. We didn't know a lot about the first show, only that it was a comedy based show. Unfortunately we took a nap after getting back on the ship, which caused us to go to dinner a little later than we wanted and we were a few minutes late for the show. As luck would have it, this was the best show of them all and the only place we could find to sit was up in the balcony. Well, Cassie found a place to sit and I stood behind her. The show was a improv group of actors called Second City. They were hilarious. The show was mix between short comedy sketches a la Mad TV or SNL and improv sketches a la Whose Line is it Anyway. The improv sketches were ok but their short comedy sketches were just hilarious. They had me in tears. If you ever see me in person you can ask me to recall a couple of their sketches.

Anyway, the second show of the night was basically a showcase of some of the hidden talents of people that worked on the cruise ship. We saw a really good Michael Jackson routine, complete with lip syncing, good dancing and the iconic moonwalk. We also heard some stellar singing, and saw some cultural dances. The show ended with a bit they called Fountains which consisted of the Entertainment Staff sipping water from cups and spitting on each other. It was actually pretty funny.

That does it for day five!

Cruise - Day 4 (Juneau)

2009-05-13T09:14:00.000-07:00

Day 4 was Tuesday, May 5th and we spent it in Alaska's capital city of Juneau. There wasn't a whole lot to do in Juneau. We bought some stamps and mailed some post cards we got in Ketchikan and then walked to the State Capitol Building. We walked around there for a while but there wasn't much to see. I was hoping to run into Sarah Palin but it didn't happen. After that we browsed some shops. There was this big tram that took people up the mountain but it was like $27 a person so we decided it wasn't worth it.

So this day we were supposed to go cruising right next to a glacier, the Sawyer Glacier to be exact. To get there we had to cruise up a narrow channel between the mountains. Now when I say narrow I don't mean super narrow, because it was still big enough to fit our ginormous ship and still have ample room on the sides for maneuvering. Still, we were out on our balcony taking in the scenery and the mountains were pretty darn close to us at times.

So as we were cruising up the channel we saw that ahead of us the channel was covered with a sheet of ice/snow for about a 50 yard stretch. Apparently the ship's myriad of instruments deduced that it was safe to plow through it. It was freaking awesome. It felt as though for a small period of time the ship was gliding across a big pond.

So after that we kept going up the channel and again up ahead of us we saw that the water was covered with a sheet of ice and snow, but this time we couldn't tell how far up the channel it lasted. Unfortunately they decided that this sheet was not safe to plow through and we had to turn around. So we did not make it to the Sawyer Glacier. Oh well.

So shortly after that Murray was doing another show up in the Spinnaker Lounge. This time he mostly did card tricks and had people come up and witness the tricks up close. He also showed everyone how to do a few simple tricks. One funny thing that happened was while he was talking somebody spotted what they thought was a whale out in the water and everybody jumped up out of their seats and ran over to the windows. Poor Murray, but he didn't seem to mind. He offered a free pack of cards to anyone who got a good picture of the whale. I didn't see any pictures and can't say with any degree of accuracy if there was any whale at all. By the way, I found another youtube video of Murray where he actually talks if anyone's interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGYEB6KKHSo

After Murray's show we went to the big show in the theater. It was called Band on the Run and was another performance by the singers/dancers that did the Music of the Night show on day two. This time they were doing disco songs from the 70's. I enjoyed this one more than the first because I knew more of the songs they performed. Again, they were talented but it wasn't as great as the other shows that went on during the whole week.

That's all for day four.

Cruise - Day 3 (Ketchikan)

2009-05-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

So day three was Monday May 4th and it started off kinda funny. I received a call from my boss at work. He called around 9:00 AM, which was 6:00 AM where I was. I didn't answer but I thought it might be important so I called him back. Turned out he didn't know or forgot I was on vacation and was wondering if I could bring in a copy of Star Wars to play on the TV in the break room.

So this day was our first port: Ketchikan, Alaska. It is one of two of our destinations that is only accessible via boat or plane as there are no roads in or out of Ketchikan.

So one thing we were told to visit in Ketchikan was Creek Street. Creek Street used to be Ketchikan's main source of brothels and prostitutes. Boo yah! Creek Street is now Ketchikan's main source of tourist shops. But we did get to take a tour of the house of Ketchikan's most famous and favorite prostitute: Dolly.

The story of Dolly is a sad and prosperous one. She ran away from home after multiple molestations by her father had left her unable to have children. In those days if you couldn't have children you were considered quite undesirable and non marriage-worthy. So Dolly took to whoring herself out to the boys in town. Her success allowed her to buy her house where she ran her "business" (the same house that we got to tour) with cold hard cash. Some of the highlights we saw were an old vintage electric vibrator and her shower curtain which was adorned with old silk condoms that were strung together and resembled roses.

After that we walked around Ketchikan, which wasn't a huge town so we didn't need any transportation other than our own feet. We walked to a fish hatchery and bald eagle preserve. For the two of us the tour would have been $20. So we agreed but when I handed over my debit card we were informed their card machine was broken. I only had $15 cash. They asked if we worked on the boat or were in the military because if we were we'd be eligible for a discount. After I said no they suggested running across the street and getting some cash from the ATM. How about a $5 sorry-our-card-machine-is-broken discount ya jerks!? Yeah, we didn't go back.

Back on the ship later on we went to another one of Norwegian Cruise Line's own version of Family Feud: Friendly Feud. It was okay, just like watching the show I guess.

The big show of the day was Magician Murray. He was a comedy magician and he was awesome. His comedy was better than his magic, but this was one of my most favorite shows of the entire cruise. You can view his opening bit here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foK01dmakeQ&sso=True&client=mv-google&gl=US&hl=en. We saw the exact same thing only there was much more afterwards. And yes, he does talk.

After the show we hiked up the 6 flights of stairs to get to Spinnaker Lounge. Here we saw the China Stars Acrobat Team. These people were amazing. Seriously, I can't even describe the things they could do, but you didn't know when to clap because every time you thought about clapping because what they were doing was amazing... they would take it up to something even more amazing. There were only 4 of them, but I believe that if it was their will, they could have killed every single person on that gigantic ship and then got on their backs and juggled the corpses with their feet.

That's it for it day three.

Cruise - Day 2

2009-05-11T13:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, here we go. The second day of our cruise was Sunday, May 3rd. We were at sea the entire day, which I think is awesome. I'm more comfortable on the ship whereas Cassie prefers to go ashore when we're stopped at a port and spend all day on land. Each morning we went to the buffets for breakfast, because the breakfast buffet was awesome. I usually got croissants, sausage, french toast, milk, and all the bacon I could eat. Yum.

The first activity we went to was a lecture in the cinema about what to see in Ketchikan and Juneau (our first two stops). The lecture was given by "Doc", who was an 80 year old guy that was on his 99th cruise. He was a nice guy and could talk forever, as most senior citizens are capable of. He told us where we should go in Ketchikan and Juneau and also gave us some background and history of the towns.

After the lecture we went out on deck and played a little shuffleboard. I kicked Cassie's butt.

We also watched an ice carving demonstration that day. I was expecting a big block of ice and a chainsaw. Unfortunately there was no chainsaw, but there was a big block of ice. It was really fascinating to see the guy carve it. He used only three tools, which were basically different sized chisels, and all he did was hack away at the ice. He basically thrust the chisel into the block at different angles and ice would just fly everywhere. He made a mermaid in about 15 minutes.

After dinner in the dining room we went to the first of the daily shows in the big on board theater. It was called Music of the Night and was one of I think three performances by the same group of singers/dancers. The performance was good, not great. The singers/dancers were talented, but I didn't know much of the songs that they did and it was hard to get into it. Still entertaining though.

I'm gonna take a moment here to talk about our ship and where a few things are located. First of all, the ship is HUGE, and to help you find places they basically split the ship into thirds: Aft (Back), Mid-ship (Middle), and Forward (Front). Then of course there are decks (floors) and Port and Starboard (Left and Right). Ok, so our room was on deck 9, Fwd. The big theater took up two decks and was located on decks 6 and 7, Fwd. And another venue where a lot of things were going on was Spinnaker Lounge, located on deck 12, Fwd. So as you can see, we were lucky enough to have our room on the same end of the ship where most of the stuff was going on, and our room was right next to the elevators and stairs. Yay for us.

So anyway, right after the show in the theater (decks 6/7, Fwd) we had an activity in Spinnaker Lounge (deck 12, Fwd). Since there were so many people exiting the theater and trying to take the elevator we opted to take the stairs. So we had to tackle 6 flights of stairs from deck 6 to deck 12. We did this almost daily because just about every day there was something at Spinnaker Lounge immediately following a show in the theater.

So the cruise always did a lot of their own versions of game shows, and on this day it was the Newlywed Game. If you wanted to play you submitted your names for drawing. They had a drawing for couples married 0-5 years, 6-20 years, and 21 years and over. We put our names in because I thought it would be fun. We were pissed because the couple chosen for 0-5 years wasn't even married! Those cheaters. Anyway, they chose a couple from each bracket and then a 4th couple who had been married the longest.

First of all, I grew to dislike most of the couples and found myself wondering why they even submitted their names because they were seriously lacking any type of charisma. But anyway, the funniest question in the show was the question "where is the most unusual place you had sex?". One couple did it in a staircase in India, one in a bathroom in a coffee shop next to Walmart, one couple did it on the hood of their truck while visiting a relative, and the final couple... did it in the guest bedroom. The host gave them a hard time for that, which was funny.

Well, that's all for day two, stick around for day three.

Cruise - Day 1

2009-05-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

So for those who don't know, we just got back from a cruise to Alaska. The cruise left from Vancouver on Saturday May 2nd and ended in Seattle on Saturday May 9th. Since I can't sum up the entire cruise in one blog I'll be breaking down the days and doing a separate blog for each.

First of all, for everyone that hasn't been on a cruise I highly recommend it. It may be a little more expensive than a weekend trip to Vegas but it is definitely worth every penny. Let me go on about how awesome cruises are for just a little bit. You get to see the world on a big floating hotel, and you will never be hungry. Your cruise costs basically cover all your food and board. You get a very small room to stay in for the trip, not that it matters because you don't spend a lot of time in it anyway. You get ALL THE FOOD YOU CAN EAT. There are round the clock buffets, cafes, and grills where you can get food any time. Each night for dinner you go to the dining room and it resembles a restaurant. You will be waited on, and there are new things on the menu each day, with a few comfort items that are available every day. How many times have you gone to a restaurant and either didn't get an appetizer or a dessert because of the price? On a cruise you will get an appetizer, entree, and dessert EVERY TIME. This is because there are no prices on the menus! It's all covered in your cruise cost and there's no reason to not take advantage.

Ok, so let's talk about the trip. On Friday we took a late flight into Seattle and stayed overnight. The next morning we went back to the airport in order to catch a shuttle all the way into Vancouver. The shuttle goes to Vancouver airport and cost us about $90. Once at Vancouver airport we would need to take another shuttle to the cruise port for $60. As soon as the shuttle left Seattle airport an Asian man on the bus spilled his coffee all over the place. Now, normally this would piss everyone off, but since 90% of the people on the bus were going on the cruise and were in a good mood this man became the most popular person on the bus. He became Coffee Guy, and was the only person that received a nickname. He kept apologizing as he frantically wiped up the coffee but everyone assured him it was ok.

So, luckily for us, since so many people on the bus were going on the cruise our bus driver took us directly to the port instead of the airport. Since this saved me $60 I gave the driver a $20 tip. We got to the port and had to wait in long lines and show our IDs a hundred times but we finally were able to board the ship and go up to our room. It was about 4:00 PM and the ship departed shortly afterward.

Not much is happening on that first day. I think all we did is go to the buffet and get some food. One thing they do, and this is true for probably all cruise lines, is do a safety drill where everyone has to grab their life vests from your room and meet at some part on the ship depending on where your room is located. For us we had to meet in the big show theater and practice putting on our life vests.

So, that's pretty much it for day one. The cruise really began the next day, and I'll cover it in my next blog.

Welcome to Taco Hell

2009-03-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been a while. Get over it.

I like Taco Bell. Well, I like Taco Bell when they don't suck. Their chicken quesadillas are delicious, and you can't go wrong with nachos. So when I head to Taco Bell I usually get a chicken quesadilla (sometimes steak, depending on my mood) and an order of nachos or two. Usually the only problems I have with Taco Bell are with its less than talented staff.

Here's one thing I get almost every time I go. After ordering the quesadilla I say I'd also like an order of nachos. The answer invariably comes back, "just the chips and cheese, right?" Have you looked at your menu lately? I'm reading from it verbatim, it says "NACHOS", I'm not trying to describe what I want you to make me, I'm reading the menu item that I would like to have, so where is the confusion? When I go to Wendy's and ask for a double bacon cheeseburger I don't hear "you mean the hamburger meat patty, slice of cheese, and bacon strips all juxtaposed between two bread buns?" No. You know why I don't hear that every time? Probably because they've heard of a bacon cheeseburger before, probably because it's on their effing menu.

Now, before you all go "but David Taco Bell offers more than one variety of... blah blah blah..." I'm AWARE that Taco Bell has different Nacho-oid menu items. I don't care, they all have different names and the reason they all have different names is so that the consumer can communicate to the vendor what item they want without the need for follow up questions. If I said I want nachos when I meant 7-layer Nachos I only have myself to blame when I am handed chips and cheese in all their 1-layer glory.

I have more. This happened a few weeks back. I was in the mood for a quesadilla, but was unsure if I wanted chicken or steak. Since the price is the same I thought I'd go for broke and ask for half and half. Here's the following dialogue between the drive through box guy and I:

Me: Yeah I'd like a quesadilla, chicken on one side and steak on the other. Can you do that?
Box Guy: (thick Latino accent) ... um, you want a chicken quesadilla, half chicken half beef?
Me: Uh... sure (if it helps you to refer to it in that way)

So when I get back to the office I try my best to observe the innards of my quesadilla to see if they got it right. I see chicken on both sides of the quesadilla. So it looks like they just threw it all together and didn't bother with separating the meats on each side. Whatever, beggars can't be choosers and I figured I'd cut my losses and move on. So, as I'm eating I realize that the quesadilla just doesn't taste right. I open it up and I don't see any steak, instead I see TACO MEAT. Not only that, the whole thing looks like nothing short of a soiled diaper. Into the trash it goes and I have not since tried special ordering my quesadilla.

More on Taco Bell's nachos... I don't know if you have looked at their nacho menu and pricing lately, but here's how it goes...

Triple Layer Nachos 79¢
Beefy 5-Layer Nachos 89¢
7-Layer Dip Nachos 99¢
Nachos $1.19

Notice anything wrong here??? Why are they punishing us simpletons who only want freaking chips and cheese? It's like, "here's some chips and cheese and for an extra 20 cents less we can throw on some meat and salsa and sour cream and guacamole." "Well what if I don't want all that?" "Then you pay more, that's how it works, the more you want the less you pay." There ya go folks, it's like Supply and Demand of bizzaro world's economy.

Next time I'm going to ask for the Triple Layer Nachos, hold everything but the cheese.

Movie Review: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2008-12-29T14:40:00.000-08:00

We decided to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button over the weekend, it was chosen over Seven Pounds and Yes Man, both of which I would have rather went and saw. In fact, if it weren't for my wife's interest in TCCOBB I probably never would have saw it.

The plot of the movie is basically and old woman on her deathbed who recounts the life of a man she fell in love with who grew younger instead of older. The story is read by the woman's daughter at her bedside via the man's diary, somewhat like the movie Big Fish. The movie is a drama with a little bit of comedy laced in. It definitely had a Forrest Gumpy feel to it. If you enjoyed either Big Fish or Forrest Gump you'd probably like this movie.

Honestly, I cannot fault this movie in any way. Acting: Spot on. Music: Spot on. Cinematography: Spot on. Script: Spot on. Special Effects: Spot on (20 year old Brad Pitt was just as believable as 80 year old Brad Pitt). Seriously, the movie is good. The idea is unique and done so well. The characters are memorable and the parts that are intended to be funny... are funny.

Now for my gripes. Firstly, the movie is long, approximately 9,540 seconds. Now, it doesn't drag mind you, but I don't know about other people but sitting in those movie theatre seats for too long is a pain in the butt, literally. So, do whatever you can to make sure you're comfortable and prepared for the long haul because as long as the movie is, you still don't want to miss any of it. Also I was bothered by the person behind me kicking my seat and once in a while the A/C in the theatre would blow at just the right angle to get a whiff of the old people stink emanating from the couple in front of us taking advantage of their senior citizen discount.

I'd give this movie a 7 or an 8 if I was just rating the movie for myself because it's not really my type of movie. I prefer more action and/or more comedy in my movies but that's just me. The rating I'm going to give this movie is not based on my preferences but based on the strengths of the movie itself.

Did I ever tell you I've been struck by lightning seven times?

9/10

My Wife the Ballerina

2008-12-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

Cassie has been going to an adult ballet class for the past few months and yesterday she had her first "performance". I say "performance" because it was only one dance, out of the five the compromised the entire program. The other four were little children in the dance school and I guess they thought four dances was a little short for reserving an entire rec center so they decided to tack on one more and let the adult class in on the fun. For whatever reason I'm glad they did. Seeing my sweetie move so gracefully on stage once again reminded me that I married an angel. Ain't she pretty?

Sore Neck...

2008-12-20T17:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my neck was sore. Like, turning your head causes severe pain sore. It was manageable as long as I didn't need to move, although driving was a pain. Instead of getting better, though, it seemed to get worse. Last night I absolutely could NOT find a laying position that didn't cause constant pain. I couldn't get to sleep for the life of me. To top it all off something that I ate yesterday gave me digestive problems and I had to go to the bathroom at 5 AM.

It hasn't been any better today. Despite downing Excedrins like candy I have still found myself couch ridden the entire day. When the Excedrin wears off I find myself in excruciating pain if I move my head in any direction. Another thing I can't do is exert much effort into searching for things, like the Comcast remote for example. I've been watching the same channel for the past 8 hours or so.

This isn't how I imagined spending this Saturday. It was supposed to be the day I finished my Christmas shopping. Now I guess I'll have to find time sometime before next Thursday. Having a sore neck has to be on my Top Ten Things Things That Must Go List, right below frozen butter.

So Tired...

2008-12-03T13:18:00.000-08:00

So I have been working nights at a pharmacy the past 3+ weeks. I leave straight from my regular job and work 4 hours at the pharmacy on top of the 8 I worked already. My days are long. I leave home around 9 in the morning and don't get home till 9:30 PM. This schedule has left me quite drained during the week. Sometimes I go to bed when I get home because I'm completely exhausted. Sometimes I stay up, not that I'm not tired it's just the only time I have to do the things I want to do, like watch TV with Cassie, play video games, or surf the internet a litle. I have a very hard time waking up in the morning and an even harder time staying awake throughout the day.

Now you know how much it sucks for me. Here are some things that make it worse...

People that want me to ring up their freaking groceries at the pharmacy register. I didn't go to school for a year to ring up your effing Malt-O-Meal okay! You'll notice there's a lot of people waiting to pick up their prescriptions and they're probably just as pissed as I am yet you somehow are inconceivably unaware of the plague that you are to society.

Movie Review: Twilight

2008-11-24T10:49:00.000-08:00

I figured I'd start posting movie reviews of movies I go see. First of all, it takes a lot to impress me movie-wise. I'm extremely critical of movies. That said, let us begin.

Let me start by saying that I have read Twilight. I didn't love it, I didn't hate it. It was geared towards teenage girls but I tried my hardest to enjoy it. I was looking forward to the movie, as anyone would be when a book they have read is adapted for the big screen.

I thought the casting was probably the best thing about the movie. I think the producers did a good job selecting actors that fit the characters, most notably: Edward, Bella, Charlie, Jacob, and Alice.

The acting was... bad. And honestly, I can't really blame the actors because the script wasn't that great either. A lot of the dialogue just sounded so forced. Like, the writers just didn't put a lot of thought into it. They knew they had to get certain information across but didn't strive to make it sound natural. Over acting was an issue. For example, Rosalie. We all know that she is not supposed to like Bella, but the movie made it BLATANTLY OBVIOUS. It was just too over the top. Also, the "high school" students in this movie are apparently at a junior high or lower maturity level.

The worst part about this movie is the music. Good music in a movie should be transparent. What I mean by that is, it should blend in with the current mood so that you don't notice it's there. There were several moments in this movie that I found myself pondering, "What is up with this music?" Another movie no-no is dead air space. Generally, you should always be hearing some background noise or music so that there is something to be heard when there is no dialogue. This movie didn't follow this idea, and there were points when nobody was saying anything and it was dead silent, which I feel is uncomfortable for the audience.

All in all, this movie almost felt like an Independent Indie Film. Sub par acting, weird music, forced dialogue, over acting, the only thing that is missing is a low budget, which apparently this movie did not have because the special effects were actually quite nice. The vampire movements looked ok, although I didn't feel they were adapted too well. Sometimes when they were running there was this sort of blur effect, and other times they just were running at an incredible rate. I prefered the latter, when reading the book I didn't picture the blurred movements that the movie depicted. Maybe that one is just personal preference.

So what it all comes down to is that you'll enjoy the movie if you were a fan of the book. Maybe. I, for one, felt that it could have been done so much better. I've heard other people say they loved it and honestly I feel that is only possible if you tell yourself you're going to love it before you watch it because as far as films go, it's just not that good.

5/10

The Real Game

2008-11-17T14:14:00.000-08:00

So Cassie and I went to he Real Salt Lake game Saturday night. We had to make a quick stop at a wedding reception for one of Cassie's friends before heading to the game. It look longer than I wanted but we still arrived at Sandy City Hall about 20 minutes before kickoff, which should've been plenty of time.

Now, since Rio Tinto Stadium doesn't have a large quantity of parking spaces, there are a lot of buses that stop off at certain places that shuttle fans to the stadium. As we were approaching the City Hall we were right behind one of the buses, which was mostly full. We were bummed since we obviously weren't going to make this shuttle and would have to wait for the next one.

After we parked the car we started heading to the bus stop only to behold a massive mob of people waiting for the next shuttle. We make our way to the end of the line and wonder if we should just walk to the stadium. I decide to wait for the next shuttle and see what it looked like. I mean, they have Staff people at the bus stops that (I would assume) are able to communicate with the bus people. Obviously this stop was in need of some empty buses to get all these people to the stadium before kickoff.

So the next bus comes and it is almost full. Maybe 5 more people were able to get on. Cassie and I looked at each other for a brief moment and then began hoofing it down the road towards the stadium. So, according to Google maps we walked about 1 mile to the stadium, but it felt like a lot longer. Mainly since it was mostly uphill.

The first part of the walk was ok, because we would see buses full of people pass by us and we would think, yeah we made the right choice. Then towards the 2nd half of our trek we started to notice empty buses pass us by...

Crap.

Anyway, we made it and thanks to the national anthem and starting player announcements we only missed about 3 minutes of the game. Yay.

Then RSL lost. But hey, they gave us a good season and I look forward to the next.

Blog Gender Analyzer

2008-11-13T15:22:00.000-08:00

This is in response to http://www.genderanalyzer.com giving me a "51% written by a male" analysis.

Pork Ribs. Deathblow. Testosterone. High School Football. Quentin Tarantino. Vault Soda. Rated R. Bloody Stump. Budweiser Commercials. Sperm Count. Black & Decker. Bench Press. Auto Zone. Pornography. Motocross. Jack Bauer. No Ma'am. Bicep. Hernia. Remote Control. Penis.

Football

2008-11-13T13:23:00.000-08:00

First of all, this blog as nothing to do with that silly sport where they wear pads and helmets and is referred to as "American Football" by 95% of Earth. This is about the most popular sport on the face of the planet: Football (or Soccer as we Yanks call it).

Soccer is the most popular sport in pretty much every country except here in the good 'ol US of A (oh and let us not forget Canada, they have their pond polo all for themselves). I think it is really lame how negative some of us Americanos are towards Soccer. I roll my eyes every time someone complains about it being "boring" or "devoid of action". Although it is true that games oftentimes have low scores it is not by an means boring. To enjoy Soccer you have to appreciate the skill involved. Let's face it, what else have you done with your feet besides walk yourself from the couch to the kitchen?

Here's my definition of boring: Time outs, waiting for the next pitch, commercial breaks, waiting for the next play, and delay of game. Do these sound familiar? Well guess what, Soccer has none of them. The halves are 45 minutes, no commercial breaks or time outs whatsoever. Sometimes play is delayed due to injuries or post foul arguing, but all that time is tacked on at the end of the half anyway.

And another thing. Soccer players are freaking fit. The average play in football is probably around 5 seconds, with about 30 seconds in between plays. Basketball is a little more tough as the players constantly have to run up and down court. But even these sports have time outs, commercial breaks, substitutions and whatnot. I'm not even gonna go into baseball. Soccer players play the entire 45 minutes, no stopping. No time outs, no commercial breaks. Each team is allowed 3 substitutions, and they usually keep that last one for emergencies. This means of the 11 starting players, 9 of them will play the entire game.

So give Soccer a break, if you think it's boring then all of the other sports out there are even more boring. There's a reason every other country out there worships soccer.

Go RSL.

The Story of the Stupid Samaritan

2008-11-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

So I ducked out early from work yesterday to take care of some things related to my pharmacy externship that I was starting. On my way home from my errands traffic suddenly slowed in the lane that I was in while the left lane continued at cruising speeds. The last of the cars in front of me switched to the left lane I beheld a stalled car several yards in front of me. The lights were off and the engine was not running. Since I had a couple hours before I had to be at the pharmacy and since it was raining I decided to be a good citizen and help this guy with his problem. I switched on my emergency blinkers and hopped out of my car. The guy was just getting out of his car and asked if I had any jumper cables, I suggested we first push his car to the side of the road.

Some redheaded girl in a white SUV also stopped to help this guy and together we pushed the car to the side of the road. I ran back to my car and parked behind his car. I didn't have any cables but luckily the redhead (I didn't get either of their names) had some brand new ones. So she turned her SUV around to face the dead car so we could get the cables to reach.

Now, let me explain that I haven't had a whole lot of experience with jumper cables. I thought I knew the jist of it but at this point I was more than willing to let someone else take the lead because chances are they would have a better idea of the procedure than I.

Well the girl handed me the cables, so I went to the dead car's battery and checked it out. I was fairly confident that the cables attached onto the battery and you had to know which cable was attached to which polarity (positive or negative). I looked for the plus or minus sign but couldn't see them. I asked the guy if he knew which was which. He took the cables and hooked them up. I thought, good this guy must know what he's doing.

So I go to the SUV's battery. I hesitate because I'm not sure which cable is attached to which polarity at the dead battery's end. The guy then instructed me where to put each clamp. So we fire up the SUV and the guy tries to get his car started.

Nothing.

Since I'm so naive I think the problem must be unrelated to the battery. I also notice that there is smoke coming off of the clamps on each battery. Anyone who knows about this stuff would recognize this gigantic red flag. Me, on the other hand, having limited experience with jumper cables just assumed this was the norm. Regardless, we realize the jumper cables failed so I go to remove them. Part of my hand touched the metal part of the clamp I got a nice dose of searing hot pain. That's when we noticed that the rubber sheilding of the cables were melting away from the inner wiring... for the entire length of the cable. Part of the cable was touching my shirt and the rubber was fused onto my shirt, that is, the rubber liquified from the heat and then solidified on my shirt. Yeah, it was that hot.

So what happened was (I did some internet research when I got home) that the cables were not hooked up correctly and there was WAY TOO MUCH current going through the wires. Not only was it generating a massive amount of heat in the cable, it was also heating up the battery as well and we were all lucky the battery didn't explode showering us in magma battery acid.

Anyway, I told the girl to not use those cables again (apparently none of us had a lot of experience with this and we figured the (brand new) cables were faulty). So I just bailed. I offered to call someone for the guy but he had a phone. The girl offered to drive him somewhere but he declined. I figured I'd done all I could and just got the eff out of there.

So, without further ado, proper jumper cable procedures:

Start with both engines off.
Step 1: Attach red cable to the Positive end of the working battery (Positive is the bigger of the two)
Step 2: Attach black cable to the Negative end of the working battery.
Step 3: Attach the other red cable to the Positive end of the dead battery.
Step 4: Attach the other black cable to a metal part of the dead engine. Some will say to attach it to the Negative end of the battery, which will work, but it is not the preferred way. You just need to ground this cable.
Step 5: Start up the working engine.
Step 6: Attempt to start the dead engine.

Thanks for playing.

People Who Care

2008-11-03T22:05:00.001-08:00

I've added gadget that allows you to "follow" my blog and get updates when I post new stuff. I titled it "People Who Care". Right now there is a zero next to People Who Care, indicating that nobody cares. Please do something about this, it is very depressing.

:)

Creepy Guy

2008-11-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, my bad for not blogging for so long. I'm a horrible blogger, and I have let you all down. For shame.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get to my story. I went to Albertson's the other day to pick up my wife's prescription and do some grocery shopping. Since perishables were on my list, I decided to head to the pharmacy first.

So I went to the drop off place and they told me the Rx was ready I just needed to pick it up and the pick up place. There were about 4 people in the line to pick up prescriptions, so I found my place at the end of it.

Shortly afterwards I felt someone take their place behind me in line. "Have you been here long?". I replied that I just barely got here. "Yeah, I'm just picking up my pill that helps me lose weight. It's great." I'm thinking, ok dude I didn't ask for your life story. "Yeah, before I was on this pill I had a serious weight problem, do you have that same challenge?"

wtf?

Ok, now bear in mind I hadn't looked at or even offered up anything to advance this one sided conversation, so I don't know what propelled this guy to up and call me fat. So I finally turn and look at the guy. Now, I'm well aware that I have packed on some poundage in the past years so I sympathize with pleasantly plump personnel because I know how easy it is to put it on and how hard it is to take it off. I'm not gonna go easy on this guy because you gotta be some kinda douche to call a stranger out like that in public. If this guy used to have a weight problem it must of been pretty freaking serious cuz I'd say he still has a pretty bad problem. His man boobies jutted out as though he was wearing one of those crazy Madonna cone bras underneath.

He started counselling me on how my "problem" may not by my fault. I told him I was pretty sure it was my fault because I happen to like fast food and don't get enough exercise. After this conversation we moved on to business. This guy was starting to scare me. He could not sense my disintersted aura and silent prayers for him to shut up and leave me alone. He kept talking to me about business management and how employees are liabilities. After everything he said he would follow up with "You understand what I'm saying?". Soon I was just waiting for him to pull out a knife and stab me.

Finally it was my turn to pick up my prescription. This pleased me because there is a line you're supposed to stay behind to protect patient confidentiality. This line did not phase Creepy Guy. He crossed the threshold without hesitation and continued his mundane ramblings. Still, I felt a little better. In the presence of a pharamacist, protected by 3 feet of counter, the chance of a flash stabbing might have decreased a little.

Luckily for me, Creepy Guy transitioned away from me and started talking with the pharmacist. I finalized my transaction and got the eff outta there. I still had to buy groceries. I kept one eye out for Creepy Guy the whole time, prepared to abandon my shopping cart full of unpurchased groceries had he decided to track me down and retreat home quasi-victorious with the medication. Luckily I didn't see him again. Does Cassie go through an episode like this every time she goes shopping?

Cats

2008-08-31T01:42:00.001-07:00

These are our cats. On the left is Madison (Maddie, for short) and on the right is Christalena (Chrissy, for short). Aren't they cute? They're also annoying. They make noise at night.

It's What Fun Isn't

2008-08-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

So Cassie and I went to Lagoon over the weekend for my work's annual employee party. We're not huge fans of Lagoon and we only ever go if it's free. I think the one thing we were looking forward to was the free meal that came with our free entrance tickets and parking pass. So we arrived up there around 1:30 to witness Lagoon's busiest day since their opening, if you're only counting the days that I went to Lagoon. We had to park far, far away. In a grassy field area. Next to some cows.

As we entered the park we noticed that right by the entrance Lagoon has a full ICEE bar. There must have been at least 15 different flavors and since the temperature was in the high 90's we made a mental note to get some ICEE's later on. But first thing was first: food.

After downing a few hot dogs and burgers (that were served to us by the 10 year olds that make up the Lagoon staff) we decided to hit a few rides. Earlier I mentioned we're not huge fans of Lagoon, and we're not. I guess the thrill of Lagoon just starts to wear off after you get married. In previous visits we found the most enjoyable aspects of Lagoon to be the places where you go and sit down and people on a stage sing for you. So first we did the Spider, which is one of the rides I like. Next we did the new one, Wicked, which was actually pretty cool as well. Then the Lagoon staple, Fire Dragon. After that the plan was to do Rattlesnake Rapids and then call it a day.

So as we headed into Pioneer Village it wasn't long before we saw the end of the line for Rattlesnake Rapids. For those of you familiar with the Lagoon layout the end of the line was right at the Dippin Dots stand adjacent to the Log Ride. For those of you not familiar with the Lagoon layout that is a long effin' line. So we abandoned the Rattlesnake Rapids idea and settled for some Dippin Dots instead. I was excited to see that they had a new flavor since last time: Smores. It sounded really good. Of course they were out. The 10 year old behind the stand told me so, then proceeded to get my Mint Chocolate Chip at a glacial pace.

After Dippin' Dots it was time to go, but we hadn't forgotten about the ICEE's! So we get up to the ICEE place and first you have to purchase the plastic containers and then go and fill them up. I got a large, Cassie got a medium. The total: $14. Ridiculous, but whatever, I'm in the mood for a nice cool ICEE. So we go to fill them up and see that all the ICEE machines are spewing out liquidy syrup instead of frozen carbonated fluff. There was no fluckin' fuff. There was a group of people waiting around all the machines who we learned were all waiting for the ICEE's to freeze. After waiting about 5 minutes I found an employee and asked her if she can just give us a coupon or something so we can fill up our containers somewhere else in the park. She pulled out a 3x5 card and a Sharpie and made me a makeshift coupon.

We went back further in to the park in search of another place that dispensed ICEE's. As I mentioned earlier, today Lagoon was effin' busy and effin' hot, so I wasn't a happy camper. We found a place but had to wait in line for another 15 minutes or so. When we finally got to the window we made our request and were told that their ICEE machine was not working. Disappointed and homicidal, I requested a refund. The 10 year old had to go get her 12 year old manager. She told us we had to go back to where we originally bought the ICEE's for a refund. Less disappointed and more homicidal, I explained that I had spent 14 bucks, waited in 2 lines, and had absolutely NOTHING to show for it and I was not prepared to wait in another line. So the manager girl accompanied me to the first ICEE place. Since they were making such a big deal out of this and turning into a huge bureaucratic mess I was expecting to fill out some paperwork. I was surprised I hadn't heard the word "protocol" but I figured it probably wasn't in their vocabulary. All they did was open up the register and hand me 14 dollars. This really pissed me off. They must make more profit off of their ICEE vending than they do from ticket sales if they make me jump through hoops to get a stinking refund for something I never received.

But I wasn't in the mood to make a scene, I was in the mood to leave. We exited around 4:45. It look a while to find our car because the cows had moved and they were our reference point. On the way home we stopped at a gas station and got 2 ICEE's for $2.40.

This Movie Has Been Rated DBYFK by the MPAA

2008-08-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

It is time for me to share one of my pet peeves, and that is people that bring infants and toddlers to the movies. What is wrong with these people? Honestly.

Tell me if this has happened to you. You're in a movie theater, enjoying the movie when suddenly someone's kid starts crying. Instantly, your movie is ruined. Even the cry-free movie up until this moment is somehow ruined. The dad picks up his kid and proceeds to leave the theater and your thinking, "Good, maybe there's hope, as long as this person doesn't come back. Ever". Then the guy stops when he reaches the side of the theater and starts patting his kid on that back, because he doesn't want to miss the movie either. It's like, excuse me moron, but your kid's incessant whining is not blocking my view. It's EFFING LOUD AND I CAN'T HEAR THE MOVIE!!!. Moving to the side of the theater does NOTHING!!!!

Let me give you new parents a hefty dose of harsh reality. When you have a kid, your theater-going days are OVER! Finito. That's it. At least for a while anyway, or if you have a trustworthy baby sitter. Take your kid to the movies and everyone will hate you. I will hate you. Even if your kid doesn't make a sound the entire movie, I will still hate you. If you're thinking, "maybe if I jiggle them on my knee the whole time maybe he won't..." the answer is NO! And when he starts crying don't look at me with that stupid face that says "I can't help it" because you CAN help it by NOT bringing your freaking kid to the movies.

I know this news might be pretty disappointing to some of you. Well, I'm sorry. I probably didn't soften the blow either. Deal with it. There's hundreds of people in the movie theater that know the rules, which are don't ruin other people's experience. Bringing your whiny kid because you can't wait for the movie to come out on DVD violates those rules. Don't do it.

Job Security

2008-08-19T22:05:00.001-07:00

If you are reading this, ask yourself this question: Do you believe you have absolute control over whether or not you maintain your employment with your current job? If you answered 'yes' you either:

1. Are completely naive, or

2. Need to send me an application

Back in the day I used to work for a company called Convergys. It wasn't my ideal job, but it paid the bills. I did my job. I did it well. I felt under appreciated, but I soldiered through it. After about 2 years working there I was promoted for the 2nd time. Shortly after I was promoted, the job I just moved from was outsourced to India. About 2 years later, we received notice that our job would also be "consolidated", which consisted of everyone in our location losing our jobs and our workload being moved elsewhere, namely Florida and yes, India.

I already knew Convergys outsourced to India, so this didn't shock me. This story probably didn't shock you either, which I find sad. People losing their jobs not because of performance but because of saving money has become so commonplace that it is accepted as a part of life.

I went to a different company, RxAmerica. I loved it there. I still do. It was a smaller company, about 500 employees. It was a subsidiary of Longs Drugs. I felt appreciated. I didn't feel underpaid, but I felt I was worth more. I asked for a raise. I didn't receive a yes or no right away, but I was given expectations and the promise that my request would be reevaluated. I fulfilled my promises, and so did they. I was granted the raise. I felt that I had hit the jackpot. A company that cared about me. I did not fear that this company would outsource my job. I planned on staying at RxAmerica for a long time.

Recently Longs and all its subsidiaries was purchased by CVS Caremark, a rather large company. My future with RxAmerica is uncertain. It's possible that not much will change and everything will be fine. It's also possible that I could lose my job. I'm handling this better than you think. The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is that once again I'm reminded that no matter what I do to preserve my job, I can still lose it. I hate not having control over that part of my life. What can you do? We all need jobs to support ourselves, but in this world the only thing you can do to preserve your job is be lucky.

God bless the working stiff.

Safe Text and the American Teenager

2008-08-07T10:23:00.000-07:00

About a month ago my wife and I were chillaxing at home watching a movie. Around 10:30 PM my wife receives an incoming text message on her cellular device. It's from a local Utah number that neither of us recognize. The text says:

"hi, this is kylie, from the party!"

I never thought my wife could have been a part of some secret lesbian party scene behind my back, and I was right. She confirmed that she didn't know any Kylie and hadn't been to any parties recently. Recognizing an opportunity for some mischief I nabbed the phone and responded:

"The one that puked on my shoes?"

It wasn't long before we received a reply:

"lol. no, i was wearing the red, yellow, and blue bikini, remember?"

Suddenly my little project got a lot more interesting. I know just what to say back:

"Maybe a picture would refresh my memory..."

At this point I was sure I'd pushed the envelope too far and Kylie would at last realize her mistake. The response came quicker than I expected:

"lol k hold on"

Kicking myself for not asking for her credit card number I waited patiently. Cassie was also involved with this as well, although I wasn't sure what her thoughts on it were. Maybe she thought it was funny, maybe she thought I was really immature, maybe she was awaiting the photo of the bikini clad minor with greater anticipation than I. Either way, I was past the point of no return.

Sure enough, a few minutes later we received a message, this time in picture format. The girl couldn't have been over 15 years old, clothed in the aforementioned red, yellow, and blue bikini, and seductively holding an Otter Pop to her mouth. At this point I felt it would be best to end my little project before it spiraled out of control and ended up with me in jail. I wrote back:

"Let me ask you a question. Who do you think you are texting?"

"adam"

"I think you've got the wrong number. Thanks for the picture though."

"who is this?"

"Nobody you know."

"oh, i'm sorry. will you delete that pic?"

"Sure, no prob. Better luck next time."

The picture was eventually deleted from Cassie's cell phone, but not before it it was transferred to a more secure location inside my Hotmail inbox. Some may think it was cruel of me to do what I did. I disagree, I think I was doing that young woman a valuable service. She could have gotten someone a lot worse, who could've gone a lot farther with her. Instead she got me, a caring teacher with unorthodox methods. Say what you want about my actions, but that little girl is going to think twice about texting pictures to strangers from now on. So yes, I do feel like I've made the world a safer place. Let this be a lesson to all.

FireTeeth

2008-08-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

My name is David Kendall, I'm 24 and live in West Valley, Utah with my wife Cassie. I don't like tomato sauce. I was coerced to start this blog by my friend Nick, his blog can be found here.

In homage to Nix Blog, my first blog will blog about the name of my blog. A while back I was in church with Nick and his little nephew Cameron, who was probably 5 or 6 at the time. I can't remember the nature of the conversation but I mentioned something about someones teeth spontaneously ejecting from their mouth (I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, I routinely talk about morbid and disturbing images in the presence of children). Anyway, to illustrate my point I brought my closed fist to my mouth, fingers out, and quickly extended my fingers to simulate the jettisoning bicuspids. Well, Cameron interpreted this demonstration as flames originating from my mouth. He said something along the lines of, "Yeah, and they'll have fire teeth!". Well, we found this unnatural juxtaposition of words to be quite comical and aesthetically pleasing, so the term stuck, becoming a slurry of usernames, Xbox Live gamertags, and blog names.